I’m excited to share a work-in-progress, the Mother-Daughter Way, although I rarely do that. This work is highly collaborative, and I welcome your questions, comments and feedback. In the potential cover for the book, my mother sits before a blank canvas in a watercolor self-portrait, “Winter Work,” (1994) done in her Merchantville studio. The image on the right is her oil portrait of me, “Jan in Blue,” done in 1973 as I prepared to move across the county and start a new life as far away from her as possible.
Although I believe that my mother and I always loved each other, we fought much of the time from my early teens until I moved back east in my early thirties. And then, we rolled up our emotional sleeves and went to work to repair a tattered bond and mine the richness of our shared dreams as powerful women, artists and creators.
The opportunity for mothers and daughters to be honest about the strains and battles and wounds and wishes closest to their hearts is vital. This is exactly what I plan to reveal and celebrate in the seminar, which I will offer online and with a live weekend workshop. I created the structure based on my fifteen years of leading Artist’s Way Circles, teaching and practicing Yoga, and delving into the deepest level of personal artistic and emotional history through writing and curating my mother’s art legacy. Through spiritual and physical practices, art, poetry and essays my mother and I were able to process and release emotions that held us hostage when we were younger.
As I reflect on the healing process, three profound shifts of attitude made the difference. I call them my MOM Fix because they helped me to find, within myself, the love and acceptance that I looked for from others. They include a shift from autopilot to Mindfulness, avoidance to Openness, and anger to Mercy.
Here’s the first part of the “MOM” fix, and I hope it gives you something lovely to think about now, to honor yourself.
M for MINDFULNESS: I became aware of my limits and boundaries in my early thirties, and when I finally recognized and began to honor them, I was able to rebuild my relationship with my mother. It was a simple question that spurred this shift for me.
A sensitive woman asked, after I described a particularly unpleasant holiday visit home, “Janice, if anyone else treated you that way, what would you do?”
I answered without a pause, “I’d never speak to them again.”
She said, “Well, why do you accept such treatment from your mother?” The light went on in my head, and I realized I needed to take responsibility for my emotional life and renegotiate, or avoid such meltdowns.
If someone you love treats you in a way that wounds you, pay attention to your emotional cues. Take care of yourself. There are many ways to do this, but you can start by honoring how you feel. Then, seek and cultivate gentler friendships, give some space to the difficult person, look at the situation again later, from a different angle and see if you still feel the same. If so, and you feel strong, consider giving voice to your discomfort, without blame, when the time is right.
I’ll build on this in my next update on the Mother-Daughter Way journey, so if you find it helpful or have any questions, please post them here so we can get this started right now!
Blessings,
Janice
Brilliant, Jan! I love the idea of “giving voice to your discomfort, WITHOUT blame (my emphasis), when the time is right.” Question: How can I reconcile this if the time never seems right? Looking forward to learning more from you!!
The time is right when it feels right, and preparing your heart for that moment is enough. There are so many layers to this process!
I eagerly await more! Emily
Oh, Emily — you were so powerful for Alice and her self-image. Thank you for your continued interest in this path of self-creation. You’re a gem xoxo Janice
Janice, I’m looking forward to reading your new book when it’s completed. The subject is really eye-catching and the story is going to be amazing because I believe it’s a subject that relates to many families.
It seems that when under the thrones of mother, we still don’t spread the wings for full flight of life. However, you are now free. Free to express the two parts of you. You and your mother. For some reason, even with the death of my mother in 1990, I felt my mother’s presence. As the years went by, I realize that there was less of my mother but more of me and a little of my mother within one. I know, I know, you might and do experience this. It might be a part of evolution of the human spirit that is unexplained, but is there. In my view of my mother’s presence in my life still, my mother is in a reversal role of being the child, because now, as an older person I understand the child of my mother. Our mothers were fighters; and in a sense they were fighting for the same thing you and I fought for-independence, unconditional acceptance, and unconditional freedom to think on your own and to be the person you want to be. For some reason, love don’t enter the picture here and I wonder why. Perhaps love are all of those things as the word love has many interpretations..
Janice , you will do well with this book and I’m sure it will be on the best-seller’s list. I like the word you used in your introductory writings here, “Layered”. A perfect title for a book-relative to a story about an artist’s life or any other kind of book that touches the heart of many. Life itself is so layered.
Keep up the great work you do Janice as I know you have made a big difference to making this world a better place.
You mom shared so much with me as an instructor and friend, I will always be grateful.
The cover of your book is AMAZING! So warm and touching. A beautiful painting!
Thelma, you reflect what drives me forth with this story, which is not always an easy one. It’s true that over-mothering is almost as stifling as under-mothering, or perhaps in a different way. I am so grateful that my mother and I were able to come back together, collaborate, respect, and share our devotion to spiritual growth, art, and the global community. Peace, sister!
xo Janice
I love the idea for the book cover. The juxtaposition frames your relationship and the blank canvas means that you can start over as you both were able to do. I too learned that shifting my responses changed the dynamic. I only wish that I had learned it earlier.
Lovely observation, Robin. It has become evident that many women wish to start over, or reframe the mother-daughter relationship. It’s a wonderful opportunity and never too late. I wince when I think of how difficult I was as a teen and twenty-something, but also I forgive myself because I’ve unearthed some deep wounds, which I’ve been able to heal, and they gave me an insight into what drove the mother-daughter conflict.
xo Janice